Surviving Church as a Single

It is with great pleasure that I turn over the keyboard today to one of my favorite authors, bloggers, and fear-puncher, Jon Acuff.

In this classic post from his blog Stuff Christians Like (check it out here), Jon tells us how to survive church as a single:  turn it into a game.

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Surviving church as a single. (Remix)

We are mere days away from Valentine’s Day and I must share a brief confession.

Single adults, I have failed you.

Although I’ve written a handful of ideas about being single at church, I’ve never really done that topic justice.

So today, I created a list of all the different stereotypes and challenges singles have to navigate when they go to church. From the “get married right this second” friends to the “this guy has a pulse and so do you so maybe that’s enough in common to fall in love” friends, it’s all here.

And I can’t take credit for it. I read your comments about real things that have happened to you at church, got ideas from my single friends, and received a great email from a pastor named Jeff. I took it all and created a point-based scorecard.

Ready to play?

The Surviving Church as a Single Scorecard

1. Your church doesn’t have a singles ministry. = + 1 point

2. Your church has a singles ministry, but it’s combined with the college ministry, which creates opportunities for conversations like this:
Student: “My roommate bought a microwave for our dorm room. I love being a freshman!”
Single: “My 401K is underperforming.” = +2 points

3. Your church has a singles ministry, but it’s a triad that combines college, single adults and divorce recovery. = + 3 points

4. Your church has a singles ministry, but it’s the dreaded quad, combining college, single adults, divorce recovery and retired widowers who refuse to move to Florida. = +4 points

5. Someone pays you the world’s most backhanded compliment: “I just don’t understand how someone as great as you isn’t married yet.” = +1 point

6. Someone told you, “If you stop looking for love, you’ll find it.” +2 points for each time you’ve heard that.

7. At church, people give you weird looks if you refuse to sit in the “singles” section of the sanctuary. = +1 point

8. When people introduce you, they say, “This is Matt, my single friend.” = +2 points

9. When people introduce you, they feel compelled to list out your accomplishments, “This is Sally, my single friend who owns her own home, drives a luxury sedan, and has a very, very stable job.” = +3 points

10. Your friends who have been married for 15 minutes act like they suddenly don’t remember anything about dating and therefore can’t give you any advice. “It’s been so long since I dated, and things have changed so much. I’m just out of that whole scene.” + 2 points

11. People are constantly volunteering you for things because “you’re single, you’ve got so much free time.” = +1 point

12. People at church act a little surprised when they ask you, “How are you doing?” and you respond with, “Things are great right now. I love my life!” = +1 point

13. Married friends try to live vicariously through you, asking questions like, “What did you do this weekend? Road trip? I bet you went on some crazy cool, singles road trip, right?” = +2 points

14. Someone you just met for the first time said a sentence like this to you, “If you want to get married, you need to ______.” = +2 points

15. Whenever married friends call you at noon on a Saturday, they start the conversation by saying, “Did I just wake you up?” = +3 points

16. You assume that if you don’t get engaged by final exams of your senior year in college you’ll never get married. = -2 points

17. You’ve secretly always wanted your own cat but are afraid that ownership of a single kitten will become some sort of gateway drug to becoming “the cat lady.” = – 2 points

18. You’ve ever given an impassioned, enraged monologue on the injustice that men who are single get to age gracefully and be considered “bachelors,” while women are instantly judged as “crazy cat ladies.” = – 3 points

19. You’ve got a “don’t perpetuate the cat lady stereotype,” monologue locked and loaded at all times and have already stopped reading this post so you can put it in the comments section. = – 5 points

20. Someone has quoted the “it’s not good for man to be alone” Bible verse to you. = +2 points.

21. When friends invite you to their church, they start the invite by listing both the quantity and hotness of the singles that go there. = +1 point

22. That friend was named Jon Acuff and he said, “No one in Atlanta should ever involuntarily remain single with so many awesome single people at North Point Community Church.” (I’ve said this a lot. My bad.) = + 3 points

23. Your married friends tip toe around you during February because they think you’re too delicate to handle the completely made up holiday, Valentine’s Day. = +1 point

24. You are too delicate to handle Valentine’s Day and have been known to describe it with a rich tapestry of words no Christian should even know exist, never mind actually say out loud. = + 1 point

25. The person who leads the singles ministry at your church got married in 1964. = +10 points for each decade they’ve been married.

26. Someone told you, “Maybe you need to focus on being more like a Proverbs 31 woman.” = +2 points for each time it wasn’t sincere encouragement.

27. You didn’t know you were supposed to be unhappy as a single adult until you went to church and found the singles ministry to be akin to a support group. = +3 points

28. Upon hearing that you went on a first date with someone, your single friends at church stop inviting you to the single events because “you’re in a relationship already.” = +2 points

29. Upon hearing that you went on two dates, your married friends at church start telling you, “I’ll be praying that this is the one!” = + 3 points

30. Your best friend of 15 years gets married and then suddenly acts like a magical gap has opened up between you and decides that, until you get married too, you can’t be close again. Because you just don’t understand each other anymore. = +3 points

31. To justify giving a four-week marriage sermon series to a congregation that is 60% single, the pastor throws out one blanket statement like this at the beginning of the series, “And you single people listen up to this too, this well serve you well when you get married.” = +2 points

32. You set your alarm to “not going to church today” after the first week of the marriage sermon series. = – 2 points

33. The only time your married friends invite you over is when they need a babysitter. = +3 points

34. Someone throws the “Paul was never married” card on you. = +2 points

35. Friends assume that the only qualification that matters to you when it comes to finding a date is that she’s available and set you up with people you have nothing in common with. = +2 points

36. You’ve ever said the rhyme, “I’m a bachelor til’ the rapture.” = – 1 point

37. During a prayer at church celebrating wedding anniversaries, the person praying says a special prayer for all the people who are still single and lonely. (True story) = +1 point

38. Your friend says that creating a dating profile on eHarmony is a sign that you might not be trusting God enough to provide a soul mate. = + 1 point

39. You’ve developed highly sensitive, “They’re about to throw the bouquet” radar and know exactly when to leave a wedding. = +2 points

40. Instead of saying that you’re “single,” your friends describe you as “not married yet.” = +2 points

How did you score? Did I miss any? Have you experienced some that just weren’t on that list?

Singles of the world unite, post your score proudly, and when someone tries to stereotype you, tell them Razzle Dazzle, Razzle Dazzle.

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I got a 25.  How about you?

Old Maid

When you have six nieces and nephews, five of whom are under the age of six, you play a lot of games.  Star Wars Lego secret agents versus mutant Transformer cowboys, sure.  But also the classics, like the card game "Old Maid."

Have you taken a look at that game lately?  Let me refresh your memory.  The instructions read, "With this game kids can make-believe they are firemen, doctors, baseball players and much more!"  As cards are exchanged between the players, they attempt to match identical cards to create sets.  "The game continues," the instructions explain, "until all sets have been matched.  The player who is left with the OLD MAID card loses the game--and becomes THE OLD MAID!"  

This game confuses me.  What do professions have to do with being an "old maid"?  Aren't we sending the message that if you become an "old maid," you didn't work hard enough?  And can't someone be a firefighter, a doctor, a baseball player, and still be single?  Or does the single status outweigh all other accomplishments?

And, at the end of the game, when all the professions have been matched up, it's apparently not enough that the player loses; they also have to be punished.  And what is their punishment?  Becoming the Old Maid:

  

(So THIS is the look I'm supposed to be going for!  I really must start wearing hats.)

Perhaps the oldest of the stereotypes of those-who-didn't-get-married-quite-within-society's-timeline, the term "old maid" has thankfully fallen out of favor in recent years.  So has "spinster."  At least, when I hear them, it's mostly being used in a self-deprecating way by a Still Single herself.

The current popular stereotype of single women is the "crazy cat lady."  Picture a woman surrounded by a horde of cats, stacks of books, and no social life to speak of.  Featured on an episode of Hoarders, perhaps.  

I can brush off "old maid" (because I'm not "old" yet nor a cleaning lady) and "spinster" (because I'm not in a Dickens novel), but "crazy cat lady" hits a little too close to home.  Yes, I'm single.  Yes, I have two cats.  Yes, as an English teacher and avid reader, I have stacks and stacks of books.  Am I, therefore, by definition, a "crazy cat lady"?

Last April, when I was moving across town into my new house, my older brother told a colleague about helping me haul all my belongings.  His co-worker said, "How much stuff can she have?  She's single, right?"  Greg responded, "Yes, she mainly has a lot of books.  And a couple of cats."  Then he rushed to add, "But that's just a stereotype!"  :)

I told Greg it's actually true.  Once you hit 30 and are still unmarried, the DMV hands you a Crazy Cat Lady Starter Kit:  a cardboard box with a kitten and a book of Emily Dickinson poems.

Like many stereotypes, there probably is a kernel of truth to the "crazy cat lady," but I'm guessing it has more to do with the horde of cats than the lack of husband.  Being single does not make you crazy.  Owning a cat (or two) does not make you crazy.  Owning 40 cats would make any person crazy, single or not.


(Check out the crazy eyes on this one.  You can probably smell the litter boxes from the street.)

There are more harmful stereotypes, however.   Assumptions that people don't even realize they are making about singles.  And, therefore, they will never question them.  

You've seen the "What Society Thinks I Do" memes about various professions:  teachers, scientists, musicians, stay-at-home moms, etc.  If there were a meme for What Society Thinks Singles Do, it would include:

---sobbing into a carton of ice cream

---turning away a line of potential suitors (we're too picky, you see)

---sitting at home, twiddling our thumbs, waiting for one of our married friends to ask us to babysit

---rolling in a pile of money (aren't all singles rich?)

---jetting off to a weekend of skiing or surfing (aren't all singles rich with tons of free time?)

---and, yes, feeding our 47 cats.

The reality of the single life is much less dramatic.  Much more mundane.  Often cat-free and usually sane.  Just like everyone else's.

But, seriously, I should start wearing hats.

Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Bride

Have you heard this expression before? 

Actually, I've always heard it stated as more of a math problem/curse.  "Three times a bridesmaid, never a bride."  

Or...       (Bridesmaid x 3) = Lifetime of Loneliness    Be sure to show your work.


Not too concerned about mathematical curses (though, to an English major, that phrase seems redundant), I willingly served as a bridesmaid for an aunt, my "big" sister-in-law, my best friend from high school, and my college roommate.

Should I have refused two of those bridesmaiding gigs?  Have I condemned myself to the single life?

Curses aside, what does it say about our society that we treat bridesmaids as "also-rans"?  Was this a contest to see who could marry first, and these girls just didn't cut it?  On the Olympic podium of marriage, did the bridesmaids have to settle for silver and gold in the form of questionable dresses and matching rhinestone jewelry?

Hollywood seems to think so.  Practically every movie that features bridesmaids portrays them as jealous, back-stabbing girls who are out to ruin the wedding, take down fellow bridesmaids, steal the groom or steal the bride's thunder.  My Best Friend's Wedding.  Bridesmaids.  27 Dresses.  

     

  

Poor Katherine Heigl.  It's too bad she formed twenty-seven close friendships.  If only she'd had the foresight to cut herself off at two, she just might have gotten herself a man.

"Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Bride."  Who comes up with this stuff??

Well... Listerine.

Yep, in 1925, the mouthwash manufacturer was looking for a new way to advertise its product and decided to focus in on the devastating effects of halitosis (bad breath, in case you didn't know).  Here's the ad:

The copy reads, 

"Edna's case was really a pathetic one.  Like every woman, her primary ambition was to marry.  Most of the girls of her set were married--or about to be.  Yet not one possessed more grace or loveliness than she.

"And as her birthdays crept gradually toward that tragic thirty-mark, marriage seemed farther from her life than ever.

"She was often a bridesmaid but never a bride.

"That's the insidious thing about halitosis (unpleasant breath).  You, yourself, rarely know when you have it.  And even your closest friends won't tell you."

I must say, I feel much better.  It turns out I haven't been cursed by bridal math; instead, I just might have completely inconsiderate friends who haven't told me that my horrid breath is repelling men left and right, in spite of my grace and loveliness.  Well, okay, then.  

Maybe it's because it has never been my "primary ambition to marry," but I was delighted to be asked to stand up with those four women on one of the biggest moments of their lives.  My "ambition" was to celebrate the day with them and their loved ones and maybe dance the Funky Chicken.  I'm glad I did, in spite of the risk I took of being cursed.

And if it turns out the curse is real, at least there is a cure.  According to superstition, I can break the curse by going on to be a bridesmaid for a total of seven times.  That's right, brides-to-be!  That means I'm available for three more bridesmaiding gigs.  I can even provide my own matching rhinestone jewelry.

But first I think I'll try a breath mint.

Quotable Quotes #3

From Anne of Green Gables:

ANNE: I've become too practical for romance. Like Marilla, I shall probably end up an old maid. Miss Barry, I didn't mean that.

AUNT JOSEPHINE: It isn't all bad. A married woman could never be as cantankerous as I am free to be. But it's not a circumstance I'd recommend for you. Make a little room in your plans again for romance, Anne-girl. All the degrees and scholarships in the world can't make up for the lack of it.



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Spinsters in Televison: The Bachelor/Bachelorette Series

Today we present the third in a series of featured entries entitled "Spinsters in the Media: Who Gets It Right?"

Though we singletons are frequently portrayed in television, movies, literature, and popular media/culture, the portrayal is rarely accurate. Upon occasion, however, we encounter the rare portrayal of singles that has, at the very least, a kernel of truth. Of course, these examples won't speak to everyone. Singles are, by definition, unique, one of a kind.  Not every portrayal of singlehood will speak to every singleton.  And none of these examples completely capture my own experience with singlehood. But I can relate.


Today's example comes to us from the television series The Bachelor and its sister series (or is that a bit incestuous?) The Bachelorette.


I'm not really a fan of so-called "Reality TV." A few shows in that category--The Amazing Race, Project Runway, and, recently, The Voice--have intrigued me with their talented contestants or entertaining hosts. But most of the bug-eating, rose-giving, back-stabbing, on-camera-confessing antics seem to me pretty far removed from both entertainment and reality.


And thanks to the media blitz, you don't have to even watch these shows to know what's going on. This season of The Bachelorette has especially been fodder for check-out aisle headlines.  Apparently, putting 25 strangers in the same house together, challenging them to duke it out for the affections of one person, and capturing it all on camera for the world to see doesn't bring out the best in people.


So you may find it surprising that I find a kernel of singlehood truth in these shows.  Well, sometimes even "Reality TV" goes off script. 


At the end of one season of The Bachelorette, contestant Jen Schefft, after carefully narrowing down her pool of bachelors, actually turned down both finalists and walked away single.


Time magazine columnist Anita Hamilton described the fan outrage that followed this unconventional decision and also what she found refreshing about the situation:

[W]atching Jen apologetically admit that none of the men on the show were right for her was strangely liberating. She reminded me that as much as the legions of single women like me want to find a mate, you can't force it. In a way, Jen did us a favor by demonstrating that single gals aren't all a bunch of Bridget Joneses, desperate for love. By showing us that Mr. Wrongs are a dime a dozen, reality TV for once felt real.

Hamilton went on to analyze the angry reaction to Bachelorette Jen's decision:

[T]here's a whole industry devoted to exploiting the anxiety of single women. We are constantly deluged with messages that we really should get it together and find a man--and the sooner, the better. Why else would so many angry viewers be predicting that Jen will wind up an old maid? How else to explain the 25 bridal magazines at my local bookstore, including one that boasts "over 900 wedding gowns" on its cover and another that is 810 pages long? . . .

We can't blame books, magazines and movies for all the pressure, though. It's our fault too for buying into the women's-magazine cycle of building up our self-esteem and then exploiting our insecurities with endless tips on dieting, flirting and impressing a man in bed. (If we're so fabulous, why do we need so much fixing up?) It's an addictive game as well. When meeting up with friends, the question Are you dating anyone? comes up too soon. Even on girls' nights out, we usually talk about boys.

The insidious part is the sense of desperation. Shopping is fun, but last-minute shopping is a recipe for regret. In Be Honest--You're Not That into Him Either, which serves as a comeback to the obnoxious best seller, author Ian Kerner advises women to step off the dating StairMaster and stop hooking up with "meantimers" just so we feel as though we're in the game. Author Sasha Cagen has even coined the term quirkyalone (in her book of the same name) for a person who "prefers to be alone rather than date for the sake of being in a couple." Better to be quirkyalone than unhappy together.

(Read Anita Hamilton's entire essay, "The Bachelorette Who Set Us Free," here.)

As a fellow singleton, I appreciate Jen's willingness to acknowledge the limitations of televised match-making.  For her courage to choose to be "quirkyalone," I offer her this rose and a hearty "You go, girl!"






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