Last week we celebrated my older brother's 40th birthday. The event was marked with the solemnity and dignity befitting such a significant occasion: we played a Star Wars-themed "pin the tail on the donkey" and destroyed a pinata shaped like Darth Vader's head.
It brought to mind an article I read over a decade ago (and which I spent several fruitless hours this week trying to find either in my files or online) about life's milestones. The idea of the article was that, in our lives, there are certain ages by which we thought we would have accomplished something. Sometimes we aren't even aware of these unspoken deadlines, and they are different for every person. Once a milestone has passed without the desired accomplishment being accomplished, we experience dissatisfaction or restlessness at the least or even severe depression at the worst.
Obviously, a key milestone age in nearly everyone's life is the age by which you thought you'd be married. The article stated that most people have a preconceived idea of the "right" age for them to get married, and most people who pass this age unmarried find themselves struggling with some level of depression.
When I read the article years ago, I had not yet passed my marriage milestone age. Most people my age were pairing off and planning weddings, but marriage still seemed like something in the future for me. Moreover, I had only a vague idea of the "right" age for me to get married.
I knew I wanted to finish college and live on my own for a while. I wanted to begin my career before I began a marriage. I was determined not to be one of those girls who went to college for her MRS degree.
For a while when I was 18, I started telling people that I wasn't getting married until I was 30. This came in response to unrelenting teasing I got from adults who thought I should be as boy crazy as my best friend and other girls my age. To get them off my back, I would say I wasn't getting married until I was 30, and "Who wants to date a guy for twelve years, anyway?"
30 was never a serious marriage milestone for me, and by the time it rolled around, I was too busy living life to get too concerned about it. I had accomplished several milestones since I was 18. I finished college in the four years I'd allotted myself, meeting my goal of finishing my English Education degree before my full-ride scholarships ran out. I traveled with our college choir to New York City and sang in Carnegie Hall. I dated a few guys, fell in love for the first time, survived my first broken heart. At 22, I got my first teaching job and moved into my first little rental house. Those first few years of teaching were stinkin' hard and earned me my first grey hair just before my 25th birthday (darn 8th graders!).
The next fall I moved as far across the country as it's possible to go to the exotic coastal town of Bellingham, Washington. Well, exotic to a girl from Nebraska! The Cascade Mountains to the east, the San Juan Islands and the Pacific Ocean to the west, and all visible on my daily bus ride to work. I taught at Western Washington University for two years while earning my Master's degree in English literature. It was a great experience and I made many friends for life, but graduation weekend saw me packing up to move back to the Midwest, to family, and to the sun. (Contrary to popular belief, it does NOT rain constantly in Washington. The grey skies, however, are pretty constant.)
At 27 years old, I returned to high school teaching and really started to become the teacher I was meant to be. As I felt more confident in my career, I was beginning to think more of marriage and family, but I didn't feel as though my life were off-schedule just yet. It helped that I had an adorable new nephew, and his mom and dad let me "borrow" him whenever I needed some Josh Time.
Still, even though I wasn't feeling concerned, I thought I'd better prepare myself for turning 30. This, I thought, might be an unacknowledged milestone age for me, and it might be more difficult than I could predict. So, in the months leading to my birthday, I made 30 my friend. Example grammar sentences on the board: "Joe bought 30 cupcakes for Sally and ( I / me )." Warming up something in the microwave: 3-0-START. New e-mail password: "30rocks."
I don't know how much that all helped, but two months before my 30th birthday, something even better happened. I met two fabulous new coworkers and soon close friends who were also turning 30 that year. When we discovered that we would all hit "the big 3-0" within five months of each other, we squealed and gave high fives all around. From that moment on, 30 was an event to be anticipated, not dreaded. We had a blast that year, helping each other past that particular milestone.
Now, at 36, I'm still not exactly sure of my marriage milestone age. It might have been 35. I know when that birthday came around, I found myself thinking that this was certainly not what I'd assumed my 35th birthday would look like. I had pictured dressing up and going out to a fancy dinner with my husband. I'd pictured his gift: a nice piece of jewelry--a necklace or bracelet. You know, a grown-up present. :) The reality was still pretty good: dinner with my brothers and their families, a Railer football game, and--the highlight of the day--being serenaded by the entire Railer Marching Band.
If 35 was my marriage milestone age, I feel as though I got past it fairly unscathed. Sure, being single at 36 can, at times, make me restless or anxious, but it rarely makes me depressed.
I do suspect turning 40 will be a bigger challenge, especially if I feel as though my life hasn't progressed in any meaningful way since now or even longer ago than now. Not just in the marriage department, but in career goals and personal goals, too. What some people call their "bucket list," as in "stuff I'd like to do before I kick the bucket."
In the case of my brother, I have a hard time imagining that he had any difficulty in turning 40. From my viewpoint, his life looks pretty amazing. He's been married to his best friend for over 15 years, he has two adorable and brilliant sons, he's widely respected in his profession by parents, students, administration, and colleagues. Plus, he's just so darn cool! (biased little sister talking here) But I don't know what his milestones are. He may have other unmet goals and ambitions that make him restless or give him pause.
And we're never free from milestones. They pepper our lives: the age by which you thought you'd own your own home, have children, start your own business, travel the world, write the great American novel, have grandchildren, retire, start a garage band. The milestones keep coming, and, if you feel as though your life is off-schedule, the negative emotions can keep coming as well.
But only one of life's milestones comes with a tombstone. Until then, milestone moments can be times to refocus, revitalize, remove oneself from the couch and get to work. Grab that bucket list and get started!
And if I find at age 40 that I'm feeling the milestone crunch, I'll buy myself a nice piece of jewelry. Or a Darth Vader pinata.
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